StreAk oF BluE

So, how’s everybody doing lately? Me? Do you asking about how I am doing too? Haha. I’ll pretend you ask me that, though you might not! Well, I might as well not tell you for curiosity sake. LoL. Judging from the laugh and all, I think you can assume something out, right?

I have just finished watching a K-drama, which is a good one, I can say, and inspires me to write this blog. I don’t know why, but writing blog has been a way to channel all the feelings stuck inside me lately. It’s a good way, you know.

I do not intend to discuss the drama, but I’d like to tell the story from the background of why I write this. This drama, with K signifies the shorthand for Korean, is just another usual love drama comedy. I laughed pretty hard in the beginning, got more serious in the middle, and cried in the end. You read right, I cried! Lol! That is the topic I want to discuss about. I know it is very weird for a man to cry, more badly when it is for some foolish movie. I know it is quite such a woman. I know it makes me look weak as a man. Whack! Whack! Whack! Like I Care! LoL. So, if you want to think of me that way, just do whatever. Now, have we got past that? The topic today is “what makes me…” Let’s start with what makes me cry…

What makes me cry? This writing will truly show how fragile I am, I guess, since I cry for a lot of things. Lol. Relax, I usually never cry in front of people. I still have the meaning of the word “embarrassing” in the back of my consciousness. So, what makes me cry?

1. movies

It has proved as a potent cry-maker for me! If you want to see me with all the tears, you’d better start offering me movies. I, of course, will be very very smart to avoid seeing it together with you. Lol.

The first movie I saw that made me cry dated back to a time when I was still an elementary student. I still remember I was lying on my side on the old sofa of the living room, watching the movie not some 3 meters away. The reason why I can still recall it because the movie was so touching and I can still remember how I cried back then. The tears were all over my face, even wetted the sofa. I couldn’t stop back then. There’s a saying, you can never stop tears from flowing out once they come out. I cried so hard then that it rocked my body uncontrollably. The humiliating part came when some of my neighboring friends came and saw me that way. I ignored them when they asked me if something's wrong. Lol. They even went downstairs and asked my mom why I had been crying that bad. My mother, not knowing anything about my crying, was confused and came later. The movie was damn making me cry! The title of the movie was a famous one: “shi shang zhi you mama hao” which translates roughly to “only mama is kind in this world”. I could still remember how to sing the part of the song, but didn’t remember the story. But it for sure has something to do with mom. HaHa

Waaa, stories about families have always been a touching one for me. Like “1 liter of tears”. The part which made me cry the hardest was the story when the little brother didn’t want to admit her sister as her own family. It was surely so annoying and so touching in the end!

Well, sometimes love stories can make me cry, but only some very good one. Well, I can count it even with one hand how many times I cry for such movies, like the drama I have just finished. Damn, my room-neighbor friend can even guess on which part I cry. Lol. It is surely a good part.

Heroic story. This happened only once. It was about a war movie. Well, the killings didn’t do any good for crying. I cried so suddenly in the middle of the movie when the president made some speech. The words were just unbearable when it came. The tears were so sudden I didn’t expect it. I think the director made the flow of the story quite nicely, though I didn’t like the casting. Lol.

2. whip

Whip! Whip! Have you ever been whipped before? It was painful. I got it even since I was a little one, from my dad. Is it a good way of educating children? I don’t know, but I turn out to be a fine nice good smart clever man, don’t I, well a little bit narcissistic. Lol. He usually whipped me with rattan the most, using the back part of a feather-duster. Well, since I was the first kid, I experienced most of the whipping compared to my little brother. Maybe they thought it was a little bit harsh to do so later after my brother was born. It was kind of cruel, and the pain lasted long after the whipping, leaving a trace of swollen flesh, painful to the touch. When I was younger, I cried instantly when the first hit came. My dad face was usually red with anger and it was so fearful that I could sense the hardness of the stick even before it reached my skin. Later after growing older, I didn’t want to give in so easily of course. I cried after several hits. When I think back, it might not the pain after all which make me cry. Maybe it’s the guilt and the fact that how a family could do such things to me. It is like they rejected you as family. It is like you were so bad that you were so deserved it.

Fyuh, I used to hate my dad for it. I seldom talked to him even when he tried to elaborate the conversation. Well, he is not a cruel angry-all-the-time kind of dad. He is just a normal dad with a rattan as a tool in his hand. He stopped the whipping when I was in the junior high. But the subconscious just won’t go away so easily, I guess. When I went back home at university holiday, I would feel how nice he actually was. I think he did all for the best of me. Hm, I began to tolerate the whipping even when I was a child actually. It started when I went to my cousin house one day and accidentally saw how her brother was hit more horribly. I started to think that my dad had mercy after all. Well, I might thank him for all that.

Ahh, it’s a long writing already. I think I’ll end it here. Hicks, it makes me recall my family. So missing them all. So missing the food. So missing my home.

Do you think crying make a man less a man? I think it is a good way to let out the emotions. After the crying, I actually feel better and am able to think more clearly. Usually I feel like a better man, for a moment only though. Lol. I like crying for movies. It is just expressive. It shows I have watched a good movie. It shows I still have feelings. It shows that I still have tears to cry. It shows that the cold of the world hasn’t reached into me. It shows I have a dream to go for. It shows that I am still human. Do you cry?

The ThirD

God help me! this is the third blog within a week. it must seem that i really don't have anything to do all the time!! wakakkak. like the hell!

so, i am hanging out right now in my friend's lab. could u actually call it "hanging out"? and don' get cheated by the word "lab". it has nothing to do with the good words such as "working", "researching", or whatever. i am actually waiting for a friend. lord, he is so slow! i have waited for almost one hour now, and still i don't get any news from him. it's not that i don't like waiting. i don't like waiting without doing anything!!

so here i am, trying to suppress my impatient by writing this obscured blog.
hhhhhhhh, what should i write this time?

let's talk about the most admired novel author in my life! hehe. Sidney Sheldon. kennen Sie ihn? do u know him?
well, i've read all his books, and only two or three of them that i don't like. the one i like the most is "Master of the Game". it starts with the story of a kid, dreaming to be rich, by hunting for diamonds in the south africa long away from his homeland in england. well, that is not the main story. the main character focuses on his granddaughter, which later inherited the boy's great fortune after he succeeded finding a pile of diamond (with suspenseful events and adventures). the story goes on a life drama after that. i know most people don't like reading about life drama, but the story was one filled with determination, power, wealth, tricks, lies, hatred, love, and so on. well,that was the first novel that kept me a whole night without sleeping. besides the compelling stories, i like the way Sidney wrote his story. well, surely reading the english version is so much relieving and comprehending than the translated ones.

well, most of his writings are an old ones. He published two more books recently (i mean, within 6 years, if i'm not mistaken), but i don't like them very much. the new author that can relive my excitement is Dan Brown. I know he is famous for "The Da Vinci Code" he wrote. well, i must admit that he did quite a nice job in that one, leaving me quite astonished with all the truth in the end. he also plotted quite a nice mind puzzling codes. however, that's not my favorite writing. i like "angels and demons" better. i don't know why. When i read da vinci, i stopped for sleep in the night. that was not the case with angels n demons. i barely slept through the dawn, although i had to read it in my computer. wow, i'm looking forward to reading another piece from him. apparently he writes quite good novels too.

another author: john grisham. well, i've tried several books, but i don't like his type of story, i guess, despite the bestselling title he gets. the only books i finished reading were "the rainmaker" (in which the main character's name is the same as mine!! hahah) and "pelican brief" (the reason i finished this because the movie version was starred by julia roberts, my all time favorite artist!).

paolini. wow, this kid is just wonderful. in his so young age, he can devise quite a thorough story of eragon. the story is nothing like LOTR in complexity and literature, but still he can create quite a nice imagination. it wins my heart over harry potter, i guess. i read potter so i won't be left behind with all the chitchat, i guess. hhahha. no lah, i like potter too, i just don't like his character. kind of arrogant. and it seems like he is not the best after all. i dream for perfection which he doesn't have. lOl

arrrgh, my friend is still not coming. i almost run out of favorite author. hahahaha. michael crichton is a good one too. he usually writes science fiction. I was first hooked to his books through "timeline", about a time travel machine. wow, it was full of adventure. "Sphere" is very mysterious. it has been made into film, if i'm not mistaken.

arrrggghhh again. he's still not coming. but i'm out. it's kind of exhausting writing this blog. hahaha. do u like any writer in particular? mayb u can recommend something for me to read. something that will revive my night long habit of reading. ahh, it's hard to find good books now. all the new books do is copying a story, especially from the da vince core story. huh!

thankfully, here he comes now. also, auf wiedersehen. c ya! nb: don't have time to make it colorful this time. lol

 

i LikE

so, after seeing my own blog, the one filled with resentment and hatred, i declare that i like it very much! it's not that i like what i wrote in it, it's just that i like the look of it. u know, how the colorful words getting amid the great color of blue, living it up, merrying up the gloomy words....

anyway, like i have said before, two blogs in a short time isn't a good sign for me. it means i have so little thing to do that i spend my time writing this. but actually, i am kind of stuck with my final project, of which deadline is coming closer, reaching into me like SADAKO. i can imagine her hairs stretching out everywhere, ready to trap me in her deadly world.

just, what am i talking about?? so, if your English is great enough (yup, it definitely poses an offense. i dare you... haha), i think you'd notice some fatal grammatic error on my last writing. don't judge my english just yet, pal! it's just another uncontrolled influence from my german. wakakak. another beautifully executed excuse.

so, as you can see, there's nothing important here... let's start with the topic: "i like"

i like BLUE, because it is so calm. it is the color of the water, the color of wisdom. it's the color which makes you curious and deep, and meaningful.
i like sparks, because it can be so spontaneous. it is bright, and it is often damaging. i like it because it is brilliant in color and in shape.
i like to be cool, so i needn't show any excessive expressions in front of people i don't know, so they would treat me with curiosity. i like it because it's just so cool. well, by 'cool' i mean, icy cool. hhahaha
i like the sky, since it is blue.
i like the water, since it is blue.
i like the night, since it is just as calm as blue.
i like to sing, though my voice might not be able to be compared to the idols'. it's just a way to express the feeling, so it doesn't load my heart with burden. i like to sing because i like to think my voice is good, though it's not. it's just my way of life. so i like to sing!
i like to be with closed friends, since they don't care when i talk nonsense, or do nonsense. they don't judge me, so i won't be hurt. they don't see me as strange, though maybe i am. i like to be with friends, so i can see them in my reminiscence in the future.
i like europe, though i have never been there. i like it for its rich culture and its long bloody artistic melodramatic history. i like it for the old great buildings of men. i like it for the vast grandeur of it. i like it because it intrigues me.
i like to see people smile, because i can sometimes be happy just by seeing those. it makes me think that the world might be a good place after all. it gives me a glint of hope, that they might include me in their happiness. i like it because it's part of kindness. i like it because i don't smile very good.
i like to dream. i can just create everything i like in it. i'd think myself as magician, director, actor, ruler, some famous people, hero, and even nobody. it makes you so secure in your own world, away from the hectic life.

well, i like a lot of things, but which do u like in me? hehehe. don't sweat urself thinking about it. i think by thinking over what u like can make you value more what that is you like. thank you for liking me if you do. thank you for hating me, if that's the fact. it means that i can cut short the list about what i like. :) well, i almost never hate people for more than 24 hours. my motto is, forget it all by sunrise! by 'it' i refer to every annoying thing!

ok, close the window after u put ur comment. don't make me waste ur time any longer, ok? haaehae.

TheRe's Just NotHinG

i suddenly remember a part of alicia keys' "if i ain't got u".

>>some people think, that the physical things define what's within...that life's a bore, so full of the superficial<<

has everything been "superficial"? do you feel superficial? has everything been about how you are on the facade of your looks? on the facade of your skin  color? on the facade of your physique? why are there so little people out there, who are willing to penetrate into the depths, regardless of what appears out front. is there any anymore, i wonder.

i don't know why i write this. but when i reflect into myself, i assess what i am. what am i, anyway? what i have said, does that define something in me?
unfortunately not. who am i to judge people. on how they should live their life. what am i to address people, on how to make me feel better, how to make me feel comfortable.
it's so self-centered, yet i feel so complicated. it makes me want to scream, scream in mute. why can't i just be "that" that i want. i need something to hold on. or i'm gonna spin around, till everything fades away, and there i am, in the midst of nothing and nowhere.

again, who am i to judge? who am i to judge myself on how to live my life. i can't even decide on myself. my own life. why set i myself free, despite all the god-damned effort. i'm a chained person after all. chained in the midst of nowhere. chained to nothing...

it's just another irritating comment, that makes me wanna write all this. no, it's not a comment on my fs, it's a direct conversation insult, which simply shockingly flames me up! that is why i keep all to myself. so i can chain myself. so that i can refrain from screaming out loud. so i can scream in mute.

Cukup, cukup! Comment dr Moty membuatku tersadar! there's nothing i can do about it anymore, rite? so, mulai saat ini ga akan ada lagi isi ttg si dia <sapapun lah itu!>

ach, nulis apa yah!? lg pengen menyimpan memory otak ke blog nih, terutama cerita2 masa kanak2 doeloe geto deh...

hm, ada satu nih!
pas umur brapaaaa geto. masih kecil lah. gw masih punya crib ndiri. hm, crib itu semacam tmp bayi gitu lah. kalo org bule biasanya suka make yg bgituan. apa sih indonya?
wktu itu sih gw dah bisa jalan, cuman blm dibolein keluyuran.
so, one day, gw lg nongkrong di crib gwe, ntah bagaimana dpt akses ke gunting. yah, krna bosen kali ya waktu itu, gwe maen2in aja tuh gunting. sptnya wktu itu iq gw lom nyampe setinggi skrg (emang skrg tinggi?!?! wakhahah), ntah bagaimana gunting itu gw arahin ke sblh mata gw (apa sih nama daerahnya? pelipis?), n gw tutup tuh gunting. ga tanggung2, seonggok daging lgs lepas kegunting, n darah pun mengucur dengan derasnya. anjrit, shock dong. ga inget de itu sakit atau ga, tp gw ingat nyokap gw panik. darahnya seingat gw ngucur banyak banget, mengalir turun ke pipi gw n netes ke selimut. wow, pengalaman pertama mengucurkan darah sebanyak itu.
ntah bagaimana akhirnya darahnya berenti, n sampe sekarang tuh masih ada bekas, spt ada lekukan kecil. bener2 bego. hahaha. bisa dijadikan bukti ke-macho-an ga tuh?

Oh oh, ada lagi. darah juga nih! so, gw lagi nongkrong di toko, bantu2 lah, yg sbnarnya gw ga suka. membosankan soalnya. trus gw lagi berdiri di dpn stelling gt deh (stelling tau ga?? box kaca deh bhs sederhananya!). Trus pintu kacanya tuh dah longgar, n ntah napa tiba2 kacanya lepas. Bagian bawahnya tuh masih ketahan, tp bagian atasnya bergerak turun, spt gerakan engsel. begtu gw nyadar gw ga bisa menahan kacanya, gw mundur. sayangnya ga cukup cepat, soalnya gw terlalu dekat. badan gw selamat dr terjangan kaca, tp sialnya bagian atas kacanya itu menggesek kaki gw, nyopotin seonggok ('seonggok' lagi?!?) daging dr kaki gw. wow, pemandangannya bener2 ga enak. daging yg copot sih dikit, 4cmkuadrat lah kira2, tp msh bergelantungan geto, n daging bagian dalam kaki gw yg berdarah2 itu keliatan dgn jelas. benar2 menjijikkan. ga sakit sih, cuma nyeri2 doang, soalnya kulitnya ikut terbuang. tp darahnya ngucur terus. sptnya gw prone banget sama kecelakaan begtuan dulu <lol>. akhirnya dibawa ke dokter n dijahit. sampe skrg masih ada bekas machonya dikit tuh. hahahah. daerah itu doang yg ga isa ditumbuhin rambut di kaki gw. kalo mo liat silakan bayar.

aaaaah, buka2 aib.

apa yg membuatku bisa renang?
=> tau ga, pas kecil tuh gw bener2 bego abis. gw disuruh ikutan les renang. ada guru spesial gt yg ngajarin segrup anak2 kecil rame2 di kolam. yaah, diajarinnya bergantian. disuruh meluncur, basic gaya dada, ngambil napas, geto2 lah, tapi selalu dipegangin. kolamnya dalam soalnya. nah, belajarnya tuh bareng tmn gwe geto (skrg dah dmn yah dia...?). dlm sebulan, ya gw dateng2 aja, enjoy. trus suatu hari disuruh berenang sendiri dari pinggir kolam ke tmp si guru itu. jaraknya palingan 3-5 meter. anak2 yg laen yg mulainya bareng gw tuh maju duluan n nyampe, meski megap2. gw yg terakhir. krna biasanya slalu dipegangin, begitu dilepas, gaya lgs jadi kacau donk. meluncurnya aja gaya kakek-kakek. hahah. jelek pisan! bahkan renang jg ga bisa! gurunya lgs samperin gw n narik gw ke tmp dangkal. tmn2 gw ngeliat itu jd menghina-hina sambil ketawain geto. gurunya bahkan ketawain gw juga tu. yg gw ingat sih katanya masa yg laen dah bisa gw masih nol. BENAR-BENAR MEMALUKAN dong! wow! lgs donk besoknya gw ga les renang lg. nyokap gw sampe heran gt kenapa. n gw akhirnya ga nginjekin kaki ke kolam renang lagi.
SAMPEE suatu hari, sepupu gw ngajak makan2 di tmp yg namanya "karangsari". di situ tuh dulu ada kolam renang juga (skrg dah hilang kyknya). mrka dah berencana mau renang. gw dah males, tp gw pengen makan. n sptnya gw masih lom bisa terima gw sendiri doang yg ga isa renang. akhirnya gw mutusin ikut pergi. ya gitu deh, sepupu gw tuh pada maennya di kolam dalam, gw sendiri doang yg maen di kolam cetek. CUPUU. dah hampir smp kalo ga salah. malu donk. tp emang namanya Rudy itu anaknya beda. dengan taruhan harga diri dan bekal semangat tinggi, gw latian ndiri donk di kolam cetek itu. Tuhan selalu mengasihi umatNya yang berusaha! <HAHAHA> ntah napa tiba2 gw bisa. anjrit, lgs donk kepedean gw naik ke level ultimate. begtu pulang lgs besoknya rencanain renang lagi. hahaha. nyokap gw ikutan, katanya wktu itu ga percaya. Rudy getOh! yah, geto de. dr sono akhirnya dilesin lagi buat belajar gaya2 yg lebih keren. kalo naruto, analoginya belajar rasengan pake elemental de. hahah. tp tetep aj skrg ga bisa secepat atlet. heran gwe! LoL!!

aaah. cape. udah ah. mau pulang dulu n tidur. tau bgini kan tadi gw ikut moti mik n gadri aja. msh mending killing timenya dilakukan dgn ngobrol n gosip. wakakaka. apa apa? masih bahas obama sama hillary? :p <yo mot! gwe tau dr kita2 cuma lo yg baca blog gwe. coba2 hybrid yu mot! sptnya oke juga pas gwe baca2 td... oya, mbaknya senyumin gw gt td berkali2. gw kegeeran atau dia geer sama gwe yah!?!? hahah>.

ANJRIT! gwe keluar makan lagi! seminggu ini mau makan enak brapa kali neh?!?! mana besok mau keluar lagi! oh god, supply me with money please. hahahah. susah nih kalo keluarnya ga sinkron. hari itu brg camcam, trus brg petra, trus brg mik, trus rame2 bertiga, trus besok sama conk&yan. duuuh, susah kalo segmentasi temannya terlalu berlebihan! wakakak.
mot: yg td lo bilang ngajak2 lo itu apaan yah? gwe dah lupa tuh. hahahah. PEACE bro! sesama calon employee ga bole hina2an. salahin mik aja. <emang salah dia geto!> LOL!

weisst du was? ich moechte gern dir sagen, dass ich dich liebe. ich moechte dir sagen, bitte arme mich um! ich wuensche mich jeden Tag, dass du mir Liebe geben wuerde. aber was kann ich tun? ich weiss, du mich nicht magst. du willst nur als mein Freund werden. Ein Qual ist es mir!

kemaren gw akhirnya nonton american idol sampe abis. brengsek, napa sih si sanjaya jelek itu masih aja lolos ke 12 besar?? pleaseee dE!!!
akhirnya pagi tadi gw ga isa bangun pagi! pdhal rencananya pengen gereja, biar urusan minggu ini berjalan mulus. yahh, gw paling berharap kiriman gw ke taiwan nyampenya ontime. trus smoga dpt telepon dari ekcon. tp sptnya ga bakal ditilpun, soalnya gw ga gereja. wakakakakak. bener2 ga bener.

bangun2, bengong bentar, sirik bentar, trus mandi. sirik ke sapa? yahh, ada de. pokoknya ntah napa tiba2 gw sirik sama dia. gw benci! gw suka! n gw sirik! untunglah ada ajakan keluar, dr bintot. trus ga lama yayang camcam sms, bilang bentar lg dijemput. senangnya hatiku keluar dr kosan, dr kejenuhan tiada ujung. yg bisa mengalihkan pikiranku dr tekanan yg tiada akhirnya. dr harapan sia-sia yg membuatku tak mau lagi berharap.
begitulah kami bertiga, mencari makan. akhirnya terdampar di sebuah rumah makan. dasar manusia rakus. gw n robin over order! anjrit, perut gw jadi super kenyang, duit super bocor dr kantong. nyesel juga, tp enak. gpp lah. toh gw lagi senang bisa jj bareng camcam. hahahaha. dah lama ga keluar sama dia. luthu gitu! terutama doraemon doraemonnya itu loh. sial, sptnya gw punya firasat dia yg bakal ditilpun sama ekcon. ahhh, gpp. dia dah janji, kalo merka cuma terima salah satu di antara kita, kita bakal tolak. sehidup semati. wakakakakaak. ga mungkin banget siy!

trus, akhirnya pulang ke kosan, n nyampah lagi. mulai kawatir lagi minggu ini semua takkan berjalan spt yg diharapkan. ke warnet, ngecek email. eh, dah dibalas sama dosen tercinta. sayang jawabannya tak membantu. minggu yg menyesakkan dada.

ja, hanya pengen melampiaskan kekesalan. sepertinya hidup ini benar-benar tidak fair. org yg kita inginkan tidak menginginkan kita. org yg menginginkan kita malah tak kita hiraukan. sudah pernah mendapatkan yg terbaik malah disia-siakan. tapi masih ada hari esok. jikalau dia tak mau, mari cari yg lain!! haha. i hate myself for not being able to rid you out of my mind. spt lagu damien rice: "...did i say that i loathed you... did i say that i want to leave that all behind..."

ach, Leben ist nicht einfach.