MoVe On

I like to think myself to face a new beginning… but the past drags me like unhinged part of me, my memory, maiming me, don’t want to let go. I often ensure myself that my life is open to countless possibilities of new experiences, but yet I can not let go of things that I don’t want to change.

No, I don’t want you to get this all wrong. It’s not as dramatic as like someone’s dying (well, I know someone who’s died recently, but not that), or like when I have just broken up with someone. It’s just that I am moving. Yup, I mean literally, I’m moving. My life in the averagely small room I rented 4 years ago will eventually come to an end, because the contract is over. So I’m moving to a new place, a temporary one before I decide where to go. That means I need to move at least twice more in the near coming future.

So, this whole packing the things has made me kind of mellow. Books have been packed into two big cartons. The cupboard has been emptied, and the photos have been dismantled from the sticky foam I used to put them at. My table even looks almost too tidy now. Almost everything is set up for moving. Then why it bothers me so much?

I don’t want to move. I’m comfortable with my friends. I’d miss everything I have done while staying here. It’s not like when I move I’d lose all my friends, but moving is like a sign that I might not see them for a very long time after that. It makes me realize that it’s going to change my life again, like 4 years ago which was not any big deal since we moved out together. This time, we go our own separate ways. It’s like stepping into the unknown. Well, everyday we face the unknown, but this is something bigger. I’m scared, I guess. I’m scared for what to come. The hell, I am scared that I might not be able to let go of my old life off my minds, my friends, my room, even the foods. I’m scared to lose everything I am so comfortable now. I’m scared I won’t experience it no more. I’m scared of everything. 

But then I think people move on. We make decisions everyday, even simple ones that change our lifes. We might decide to text message someone to say we care, and that bonds us even greater. We decide to go hang out with some friends and we end up learning more about life, about friendships, about the world, even about foods. ;p we decide to go out and chat, and meet people and it makes us know people and how they think, and we decide whether we like them and they can be our trusty friends, or we can depend on them. We decide to go solitude for a while in our life and we understand ourselves better after some time we spend evaluating ourselves, so we can apologize when we realize we’re wrong, or maybe humble ourselves when we’ve gone too far, or anything. Just simple ones and they change the course. I mean, we are equipped with the ability to make decisions to conform ourselves with the new environment, right? We will eventually cope with that, I believe I can do that. Just the memory of the past still haunts me, the reluctant feeling to lose it all, the scary feeling that it will not be the same anymore… I know we will be fine. I know I will be fine.