GloOmY MoOd

THIS is something i write during one of my off time in a remote place...

Have you ever heard of these two: “work to live” and “live to work”; two very different lifestyles that determine how you live your life. I might still a newbie in this whole working experience to understand those fully, but would people, who have worked long enough, be able to realize which path they have taken? And when they have, and are not satisfied with it, would it then be already too late to change the course, or simply, do they have the gut to do so… for sacrifice is all needed to afford it.

Anyway as I write this, I am in a trailer. It’s Sunday, yet I haven’t gone to the church. Not that it matters anyway, for I seldom go either. Besides, there is no church here, adding up to a perfect excuse. And anyway, the afternoon heat inside the trailer is unbearable. My friend, who fasts for the Holy month, has gone to the Mushola, I guess, to find shelter from the searing heat.

There are six beds inside the trailer, previously occupied by five. Unlike my friend, the others have gone even farther than simply to the Mushola; they have gone back to Jakarta, the heart of civilization and entertainment and social life and all. Only the two of us are still stuck here. Even though before, when everybody was still here, we seldom chatted to each other, somehow the air is now full of solitude without them. Maybe the fact that we shared the same situation that what might have bounded us off loneliness. Now the bound has gone and the loneliness feeling seeps through every pore.

I write this because I simply am idling right now, something I am neither grateful for nor vengeful at. I try my best and struggle hard to kill the time, yet wish that this idleness would never end. Don’t mind that, I say to myself as I try to soothe my soul, since at least we have been told that we’re not into more works today. Just focus on how to write this off.

How are you doing, people? It sure seems like eons the last time I met you guys. I surely miss you. The time and space stretches like oiled rubber here, lengthy and sticky. Geographically, I am closer to home, yet the omnipresent of the quiet nothingness, the dirt, and the endless stands of trees have deluded me. My mind is filled with these many words to tell, many thoughts to share, and many wishes to meet. Yes, the air conditioner is doing nothing to help the glowing heat. And yes, it might have tracked my train of thought off the rail. I don’t really care.

By the way, I went along a car ride this morning (not something I seldom do though especially when I have to move back and forth the site where I work). As usual, I had no clue how the roads interconnect here. Every turn reveals the same scenery; plantation on the both sides, brown reddish bushes stained with layers of dust, occasional rusty pipelines, and scattered gravels on the dusty dirt road. The dirt roads fork rigorously into many unknown places, turn into many unknown destinations to me. No, it is not my concern, only the complicatedness of this whole setting frustrates me, or rather numbs me. Once during this ride, a thick fog appears suddenly surrounding us, blocking the sight to a mere two meter, causing us to slow for safety. Inexperienced eyes like mine wouldn’t have noticed that it was not dew at all, but rather, as I knew seconds later, particles of dust that had risen up from the ground. This phenomenon alerted my senses as everything seemed to slow down even more, letting me take the chance to enjoy the emptiness of presence, the ubiquitous quite. Everything that had been clamoring my mind for days turned into a blur of other dimension, a moment of peace. It was brief though, we moved past it too soon.

Now we are back here in the small spaced trailer, with my only savior from this boredom: my walkman phone, feeding constant musics to my ears. And then there are you people. And then there is this blog. And then I hope I could be with you somehow, somewhere, some time; Old schoolers, faraway friends, classmates, lover… friends.

And after all this long aimless blog, I still can’t decide: work to live or live to work. What I do is I walk down the winding road and let the paths reveal themselves, like the dust that fades away, eventually…

And for you:

Truly miss you in times like this… Your smiles truly help… it cools me through the heat